8 months is a long time. a baby would have learn how to crawl or even stand up by the time he is 8 months old. and thats how long ive not been updating my blog.
it doesnt mean ive stopped. ive never stopped writing, at all. ive a journal that i write in once in a while. i am a journalist of my own life. a passion that has been there since i was young. ive never done it for anyone else, but purely for my own satisfaction. and i will continue to do this for as long as i can. ive never expected readers before, but having some is nice. thanks hani for reminding me to blog!
as some may know, ive had a major breakdown. one that required me to make a major move.life was miserable. i had zero motivation to work.
everything was out of place, my life was not in an order i expected. i was pregnant with my third, which i brokedown in tears immediately after i read the 2 clear double lined result from the pregnancy kit, my beloved grandmother passed away, i had a rough pregnancy in my first trimester, i hated my job, i was full of negativity that i thought i shouldnt live anymore. Everything felt wrong in a way i cant really describe. i thought i was at my lowest point in my life. i was ready to give up. i was a lost lonely sailor in the middle of the ocean and my boat was about to sink but i was ready to get drown and pass the thought of even trying to swim.
of course the reality was i was never alone. i had a supportive husband, mother, friends and bosses.
i know at the time i was in a dire need of a break. and that led me to my 3 months of unpaid leave.
and it was the best decision ive made in my entire life because good things started to arrive gradually at the right time and place . and it didnt came out of no where. it arrived because i took the effort to search and because of my loved ones who prayed and made du’aa for me.THANKS!!!
it all started after my mother recommended me a book (the monk who sold his ferrari by robin sharma) with hopes that it would change the way i think. and it did. im not saying that just merely by reading this book i turned into someone else. but it initiated the journey of finding myself for the better.and then i realised, this was a blessing in disguise. i was meant to feel lost and wounded so that i could find myself all over again, only in a much much better form.
Knowledge only becomes powerful if you apply it. so i started my own personal project (i named it The Paradigm Shift Project )where i tried to apply what ive read in my daily life, and i made sure i persevered by making trackers- marked the habit if i did it that day. this served as a feedback and if i was off course ill make sure i would put in more effort to keep me back on track.
a lot has changed ever since .completing a book led to more readings. i am not a bookworm to be precise but i developed a fondness for books that could possibly be life changing. more than half of my book collections came from the self-help bookshelves.
i wasnt inherently optimistic. reading books from this section fuelled my optimism tank. and despite some people being skeptic about these self help books, it worked wonders for me. and thats only if i applied the principles on a daily basis. of course the most pertinent value of all to assure it worked effectively is persevarance and tenacity.
i made full use of my unpaid leave. i did a lot of reading(relatively much compared to almost zero non medical books prior to this), did some soul searching, spent time with my kids, reflecting on myself- what i could do to improve my current situation and myself, learn about the importance of gratitude- i made a gratitude log to make sure theres something to be grateful about everyday, sought for solutions to all my dilemmas, learnt to be optimistic and see my life and the world that i live in a different perspective and definetely a more favourable one.
in the process, i come to realize that all this while i was incapacitated by mostly 3 things that were deemed trivial (by me)but in fact were perilous to my self-worth and my life in general.
1. self doubt
i had so many that it tainted the love for myself, created innumerable fears and made me avoid stepping out of my own comfort zone.
2. the need for external validation
the first point will definitely lead to this. i was not confident of making my own decision. the need for approval of others is exhausting. until i come to realize ,it is my life and i should take full charge. other people can give me opinions, but the decision making is in my hand and only in mine.
3. lack of persevarance
one thing i have noticed, i have made the right move when i thought my performance was going downhill.but i was not consistent. i was full of doubts that i didnt have the confidence that my efforts would yield the results ive always wanted. i judged myself way too early and made me ceased whatever effort i made just because i havent seen results.
and while i cant say that this project is 100% successful(ive just started 2 months ago) but i know it is going in that direction.
i dont know whether it deserves to be called a project, because i am thinking that it should be bigger than what it is called because i want it to be a part of me for the rest of my life. i’ll definitely need to review and assess its efficacy once in a while, tweak a few things here and there to accomodate the changes i go through in my life.
The list of items in my current project:
1. trying to be 100% optimistic
2. gratitude is a miracle magnet
3. Allah is always number 1
4. redefine your dreams
5. overcome your fears
6.envision your goals
7.always spend time to reflect on yourself and how to improve
8. and of course, the above will be nothing without taking action.
9. be inspired by people who have made it to the top.
10. seek the good in the people you meet and the circumstances you go through each day.
the biggest decision i have made in my career so far was to apply as a trainee lecturer .it took me 2 months to finally arrive to this decision after ive made the guidance prayer continuously.
Honestly,it took me a lot of effort. i did things that were unlikely of me.i learnt to ask for things i wanted, overcame my fears- i needed to inform the head of the department and the specialist in charge as well as asking them to write sort of a ‘review’ of me and my work performance and constantly need to overcome the 3 things i have mentioned before.
i needed to erase how i perceived myself all this while (meek and weak). if youre reading this, KNOW THIS BY HEART, dont let others or your inner critic define your self worth!
i hold on to the quote that courage is not the absence of fear, but making sure that fear doesnt stop you from getting to where you want to be.
i mustered all the courage and confidence ive had in me to go through this.and i even astound myself of the amount of these 2 values ive already had in me just because i searched and believed in myself.
i recently sat for an interview last month for that particular post and its not too much to say that it was the interview that i felt i was most confident. i have only went to 3 interviews my whole life- interview for MARA, prior to housemanship and the latest – for the trainee lecturer post.
I am proud to say that i am not afraid of failing. Even if i fail to get this post i can feel in in my bones that despite the outcome, i know i am going to succeed somehow.its just a matter of time.