Life has been awesome so far as I can remember. So far, i have everything i need although not everything i desire. But that is being human, always wanting more and more but never really take a moment to appreciate your blessings.
I am flawed, and i am aware that is part of nature of being human. So what differentiates us all? To me, it is our willingness to change for the good. Nobody is perfect. It is already written. Humans are meant to have weaknesses. I always describe myself, as the bad girl who’s trying her best to do good. I know i have so many weaknesses, and it upsets me for not being good enough. Not being good enough for myself, for Allah, for my parents, for my family and friends, for my sons, formy husband. Sometimes, i just feel so demotivated by my own mistakes. Sometimes, things just happen. I have tried. I have tried so hard to be good and not make mistakes. I tried very hard not to break hearts of the ones i love. At times , when we based our judgement on our emotions only, things can get messy. And I slip from the track i religiously follow. I frustrate myself this time. What people dont know is that when i hurt others, i hurt myself the most. Why? Because that is not how i want things to flow. I hate to hurt other people’s feeling. It makes me feel bad. Is there something wrong with me? I hope not.
For the past month, i promise myself to reconcile and reconnect with people who i lost touch with. It is not typical of me. It is the things i have never done before, i dare say. By nature, i am this shy girl, who wont strike a conversation unless someone else does. Who couldnt care less about other people’s important moments in their lives, or to cherish a relationship that is almost non existent. I try to understand ukhuwah fillah. This phrase that i have never really understood before. They keep saying , oh manisnya ukhuwah fillah! I never got it. Honestly. Until just recently. It just hit me. Out of a sudden i feel so motivated to do something i have never done before. To try and love others because of Allah. I promise myself i am gonna try as hard as i could. I remind myself, that along the way things may not be as smooth as you want it to be, but as long as i try, that is more than enough. And i know along this journey of trying to be a better migha , there will be moments where i am gonna fall down and cry and feel helpless, but i will get up and keep on trying.
And today, is one of the moments, where i fall down and cry and feel helpless. Maybe this moment exist so that i can turn to my Creator,for me to do muhasabah diri once again.
To whom i have hurt , i am sorry. I am not perfect. I’ll try harder next time