So many negative things happening lately. I promise this post wont be anything but about the good and positive things only. I know i am the kind of girl who can get drowned in my negative thoughts. I am a sensitive person. And sometimes i dont receive criticism well, especially when it comes from a third person. Ok ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I am glad that my friends and family are supportive
Things that my mother sent me to make me stronger and more optimistic!
Yep that’s true! Why should i stress myself, spent hours worrying which will only make me sick,on someone who doesnt give a damn about me, or probably hates me, who is not worth anything to me in my life, who doesnt even benefit me at all, who makes my work a burden, who creates an ugly environment for me to work in, like why why why?? He is probably at home enjoying and dont give a damn about me, and here i am thinking about someone who is not important at all in my life!!! why am i making my own life difficult!! Life is short and spending even a minute on that ugly hearted person is futile!!futile i tell you!
After what happened yesterday , it was quite weird that nothing appeared in the chatgroup to indirectly complain about me. I was checking it on and off but nothing. I tried to look at the whole situation positively, i tried to think positive thoughts about you dr x, and i tried to extract lessons from all the pain that you serve me with. I tried to take the good side of it. Until today. My big boss called me to her room. My heart skipped a beat. I saw you just right next to the room. I knew it was about yesterday. And you should know that i know who complained to the big boss. I still cant digest the situation at that time. My big boss was kind enough to tell me in a proper way. She didnt scold me. Although i know a few people who doesnt like her ways, but she is still considerate and that made me respect her more. Anyway, she asked me a few questions. I started to tremble a little, i felt my heart pounding a little faster,and i noticed that i was about to cry.i tried to swallow my throat to hold myself from crying. I felt like im a terrible person and a terrible doctor . Then what made me even sad was that despite trying my best, i still received that complain. Despite trying my best, to some i am still the weak girl. At that moment when i was in front of my big boss, i tried to sit straight and be strong and not cry. To be frank, i wish i could blurt out everything that has been kept inside of me. I wish i could tell her my story, how i felt about the whole thing, tell her about my strategies and my efforts to improve myself, and asked her what else should i do to improve.i wish i could tell her that everyday, i remind myself of why i am working, i recite doa menuntut ilmu and ask for Allah to give me more knowledge, i reminded myself of the mistakes i have done and what i have learnt out of it. I tried to be positive and tell myself that the things that u dont like may not be necessarily bad for you and the things that you like may not be necessarily good for you. I wish i could tell her that everyday is a struggle, and that i kept on reminding myself that nothing is easy in this world, and that eventually everything will be okay. I wish. But i know as much as i want to tell her those things, i know i cant , because i know i will end up crying. Sometimes i wonder is my sin towards dr x that big for him to do this to me?if he really wanted to help and if he really is a kind and generous person, why cant he tell me straight to my face in a proper way, and teach me along the way? I thought a psychiatrist should know better about dealing with a person and should have more patience? I will always remember Dr X as the guy who cant give a proper smile when i passed him by in the hallway. I always tried to give a smile but he always gave his tight face or an expression that is a cross between a smile and an annoyed face. I tried to be positive about it though, maybe that is the way he is, even in front of other people. But today, i believed the opposite. I was too sad to believe what is good. The only thing i feel now is that he hates me. Probably for being the weak girl and The girl who doesnt know much. After i got out of my bis boss’ room i sat in the MO room and just cried. There were people around but my emotions got out of hand . I started crying and tears ran down my cheeks and i had no control over it. When one of my colleagues came to ask me a few things about work, i just asked him to wait and then i cried. Its so embarassing having to cry at that moment. And to make things worse i was oncall. I felt like my hopes are crushing down before my eyes. I felt like its the end of this world. But i am glad i still have the strength to pick up this broken pieces of me and get up from this fall. My friend is right, i need to be strong, there are many more like Dr X in this world. Hopefully at every painful encounter, i’ll be stronger each time. To Dr X , you may feel like you have done nothing wrong, but hopefully one day you will feel what i felt yesterday.i know some days where you feel annoyed when i tried to consult you and you gave me that unpleasant look. You know what, i always dont get your jokes, when you laugh out of a reason i have no idea of, i tried to laugh along because i thought that it would be a pity if i didnt do so. There are so many awkward moments between me and you i wish i could erase it from my memory box. Youre not the kind of boss i would love to work with. In front of the others you may seem like a good person, but thats it. You treated me differently . I believe if the mistake i made was done by other people it would not be as annoying to you. Treat people the the way you want to be treated, and i am sure you will hate to be treated the way you treated me. You played your game well Dr X. Well done! One day, the tables will turn. We’ll see Dr X. We will see.
Yesterday i had a task which i hesitated to do. Which is to consult a boss who i have zero chemistry with. I dont know what else to say. I tried my best to be as complete as possible. And it was difficult to consult via phone when i was in ED. For some reason,his voice was unclear through the phone. When i said i cant hear, somehow i felt like he got irritated so i had to go all the way from ED to the clinic to consult. I have my own plan and so on but still that didnt seem to satisfy him. His expression was mixed, its like a code i need to decipher but i failed to do so. In the end , i still felt clueless. If i am 100% sure of my findings i wouldnt waste my time to consult. Why should i? Just to be heartbroken and frustrated. Maybe he doesnt see my effort , and i shouldnt even care if he does or not. I need to remind myself constantly this is not a place where i have to satisfy humans. I am here to do itqan fil amal. I just did what i have to do. Recited surah al-qursi and then doa and tawakkal. I think Allah helped me as much as needed. For some reasons, i still felt disappointed with myself. I know i shouldnt feel that way, and have ‘redha’ in my heart instead. Nobody says its going to be easy. But remember with hardship, comes ease, with hardship, comes ease.
To be honest i feel so paranoid if ever i have to consult him again, i feel like he will screw me down until i raise the white flag, i feel like i am under scrutiny and he will search for my mistakes and magnify it
A lot of my colleagues are taking MRCPSY, and that made me consider whether i should take it in the near future. I discussed this with my close friends ,my husband and family, and they support whatever i am into and i feel really blessed just for that reason only.
I know my dad is mostly and insatiable man, and i know sometimes i always feel like i am not good enough for him, but deep down i know he still trust me and support me all the way. Thanks dad, i love you.
I hope this is the right thing to do.
Thanks to my mom too who is always behind my back. Btw, i dont think i am smart enough, but having their support keeps me going!
When i was a little girl, whenever i felt sad or i felt like i want a shoulder to cry on, i’ll hug my hello kitty doll, or pretend that i have an imaginery friend to talk to, make jokes so that i could have a good laugh, and make them tell me that everything will be okay. I guess that is a kind of defense mechanism for me to help me cope. I wonder if i can still use the same technique when i am all grown up, with 2 kids some more. Ha ha. A more mature approach is of course to ask help from Allah. Every morning, i remind myself, to attain help fron Allah is by 2 things; 1. Patience 2.solat. It is written in the Qur’an that way. I hope Allah will grant me more patience.
Things dont always go your way, and that is life. Maybe for some , yes. I have to work harder to be a better migha. Nobody knows how difficult it is to change and to be persistent of that change for the betterment of myself. I know i have reminded myself, along this journey i will fall down and cry, but the most important thing is i will never give up and always bounce back. And to bounce back is not easy most of the time.
I told you i am going to write and post more often now and tell you guys about my ED adventures. zzzzz. As usual we had our clinic today , handle by 2 of us. And then, i received a call at around 11am. The rest was rather.. History. Another 4 referrals received. To be a psychiatrist, one quality is a must, which is to be patient. I am not saying i am one, but i must must try my best. It was tiring. By 430 pm i was having 3 patients awaiting for me. So u can guess when i finished.I passed over one to the oncall person. One pt absconded while i was attending a pt in yellow zone. Received 2 cases of deliberate self harm. One was because he was under alcohol and possible illict substance influence and the other one was because she was so mad at he daughter and wanted to ?scare her. Ohh whats happening to homosapiens nowadays. *long sigh*
I had a difficult week last week. I feel so overwhelmed and i was desperate for a short getaway. Last night after my postcall, we went for grocery shopping. And that was how my saturday ended. I am not saying it was bad, but i was expecting my saturday to be more relaxed and carefree, like all the saturdays i usually had. So last sunday, my husband planned for us to go to lost world of Tambun, but i was not feeling like it, plus its in Perak, although its not really far, but i was not in the mood. I suggested husband to go to Batu Ferringhi to have a simple picnic, and then my husband suddenly had this idea of going to Entopia. I casually agreed, not exactly excited but rather just go with the flow.
It is pretty far from our house about 30km, even farther than Batu Ferringhi which i thought was already far enough.
We brought the whole clan, my 2 sons and our maid. I did not expect anything spectacular but my first impression of it was more than my expectations. It was more like WOW! There were so many butterflies and i really mean it. Not just some common ones but those pretty butterflies with nice wings and colours. I was not elated, but happy enough to make me forget about work at that moment. The place was huge and it took about 3 hours before we finish exploring the place. And i tell you it is worth every single RM.at least for me.
After our Entopia adventure ended, hubby bought grilled corns for us to snack in the car. We stopped by a small stall that sells Laksa Penang which was facing the sea view and it was awesome. I wish i can do this more often. Working is stressful for me at the moment and this is my fuel to keep me going and motivated.Thanks abg i love u
This past one week i have been under a lot of stress. And it may not be noticeable especially to my colleagues. But after i end my day and go back home, i feel a burden on my shoulders and im carrying the stress back home which is clearly unhealthy. I didnt have a proper lunch, or a proper zohor or EBM at all. And it is taking its toll on me. I feel my energy and motivation is drained out of me leaving me weak and helpless and sometimes i experience that sense of hopelessness . I dont expect people to understand. I mean why should i? It would only harness frustration because they are not in your shoes (never have and never will). To non muslims, they dont know how it feels like to miss a prayer which is supposed to be COMPULSORY!its like you missed a few heartbeats and you feel that pang of guilt. AND single girls will never know how it feels like to not being able to pump your breast one whole day because they dont have activated milk glands yet and how painful it could become if you leave it engorged!And people living in the island will never know how it feels like to travel 46km per day to the main island every single day. It is exhausting!!!it is difficult for me but i know i have to bear it. Sometimes i just feel like talking about it to someone, not necessarily to complain, but just the thought of having someone understanding what youre going through right now is therapeutic. Sometimes i feel like i dont have an ear to lend to share my sorrows. Sometimes, i feel like when my friends are in trouble, i try to listen to their problems, but when i’m the one having them, i dont express as much because i dont want to burden them with my problems. And today i broke into tears because i have no one to listen to my stories. Someone who would really listen not for the sake of solving my problems merely, but just to be there for me, make me feel like i am not alone in this world and assure me that everything is going to turn out fine. I know i should not expect much from human beings, it is just an unstated desire. I know i should depend on Allah the most.i know, i know.
I was supposed to finish work at 10am today after my oncall last night, however i finished about 2 hours later as i had documents that needed to be completed. Having a passive call on a saturday ruins it. But anyhoo, i still get paid though. RM 80 is a lot if i wanted to offer it to someone else anyway.
On another note, i am getting more frugal and calculative now in terms of my financial management. I am more particular and strict when it comes to spending. I put aside a budget for our family and then myself, just to make sure i won’t be spending recklessly which will end up me havinga negative balance in my bank account. HA HA. I even bought my babies’ diapers and milk online as it is cheaper especially when i have a discount code! Still, the idea of shopping is very tempting and i am trying to limit that. I have a budget for that oer month. Well, one day i am going to be a millionaire. Hahah. If not here, then there, in the hereafter. Amin
I am going to write more frequent nowadays since my stress level is on the high side mostly.
I was in charge of the ward previously. I thought being in charge of the ward was hectic enough, until i became in charge of ED. Meaning that for any psy referrals from ED will be seen by moi until 430pm. Yesterday was a bady day. Today was a bad day too but much less than yesterday. Because no such drama like yesterday. I still feel terrified about yesterday’s drama. I feel so terrified to consult cases. I mean i know i should consult if i need too. But now after what happened i need to be more careful. The con of being extra careful is that it is time consuming. I need to find a way to be extra quick and efficient.but yes,then again the time consuming part is not something i favour. You need to be quick but at the same time you need to know a patient all in and all out within a limited amount of time just by asking and reading their cards. I dont how i am ever going to be quick in that. Like ever. Like today its our adult clinic day, so all the MOs have to see the patients. Usually i’ll try to be quick, but at times there are patients who consume your time just because they have more problems than the usual patients. You need to ask more to identify whats wrong and further history need to be taken so that you can consult your specialist and present it well. I already had a plan in mind before presenting okay(just a reminder to ‘you’ just in case you think i am merely presenting a case without a plan). So when it is time consuming, but at the same time your presentation is satisfying enough, another problem arises as other colleagues will start to frown and ask you to be quick. hello? Hello!!! If i could i just wanna tell them how phobia i was about yesterdays event, that i need to see a case and reclerk it carefully so that i wont miss a thing, plus, my patient needs a referral to other dept because of his fit, plus, he is a bit slow and certain details are needed, why cant you just be patient and be more supportive. I hate to be slow. Its not like i intend to slow down my pace so that i can relax. HELLO, i have been hectic for the past 3 days i cant even have a rest or pump my milk. You dont have an engorged breast to pump and you have no freakin idea what i am goingthrough right now.While seeingthat patient i have an ED referral waiting to be seen and you think i’d like to be slow? Please be more considerate and dont be calculative. Yes go on if you disagree. Even though i have referrals i dont see them immediately because i want to help out inthe clinic and quicken the pace. But nobody cares about your effort, yes of course i shouldnt care whether they know or not because im doing it for the sake of Allah and not because of you. But as usual its probably a test that i am surrounded by calculative people. Anyhoo i went down to see my referrals and my patient stirred a scene at ED. oh dear. She tried to run out of the room and was running in the middle of the road. Luckily the security brought her in. I am not trying to look weak but i tried to persuade her to follow instructions . Im not the aggresive type and thats how we should deal with this kind of patients. But since she was still not cooperative she needed to be restrained. And she did. There was this staff in ED who i thought was disrespectful. Initially i thought he was a doctor, because he was so demanding and instructing me to do this and that. But no actually he is not a doctor. Just one of the medical assistant.I know i am new but instead of being angry, tell me politely, cause do you even have manners?? You suck because its as if its not distressing enough to have a patient to deal with inED and you are getting mad at me for reasons that can be discussed properly!!! But of course i didnt explode in front of him. I know i am a bit of a passive aggressive person.I dont want to explode cause i know its not good for me. Maybe next time if i go to ED i’ll just tell them properly. Its very disrespectful of him. Maybe because i am new that i receive such treatment, and maybe because i am a passive ,vulnerable person. I need to be firm next time, just like my friend told me.
Sometimes,if i have no one to turn to,ill just write,its one of my defense mechanism,sublimation. I dont want to displace my anger at someone else,although i slip most of the time.today was a bad day.i was so nervous about today.and yes it is a bad day. I dont understand why i felt like i am always a victim.maybe thats just a feeling.drowning myself in self pity wont get me anywhere but into trouble. Supposedly to cover a clinic with 30pts with another person. But i was alone. It was unexpected that no one covered for the person who is suppose to be here with me. Then i have to cover cases at ED too.at the same time also cases to cover for other interdepartment referrals. With 30 patients alone ,i thought okay lets do this steadily,dont rush,stay calm and try to be quick. And then i received a call from ED. ohh mann,i hope its manageable.and then another and then another one. I told them to send the patients to our clinic since they are stable. I felt like i still could manage. Then something bad happened. I need to consult a case. I tried to extract only the points that i thought are important.AND I ALREADY HAD MY OWN PLAN IN MIND, MY OWN FREAKIN PLAN. But i consulted because i wanted to do it for the sake of the patient. And then my boss was asking things that i thot werent important. Maybe i missed it maybe yes it is my fault. Even hung up on me twice because iwas searching for THE ANSWERS. Yes naybe i missed some of the points. But anyhoo it annoyed me .yes i did annoyed the heck out of him too. Nobody understands unless theyre in ur shoes. I had 30 patients waiting and i had to go through that case one by one, if i could ,i could have made a complete history but only one thing was lacking, and that is time. I was pissed off. But i did not show how pissed i was. I was pissed off at my boss and myself that i felt like i could kick a bucket of water and hoping that someone who annoyed me get wet and hurt. But i tried to keep calm and distract myself from thinking of the things that hurt me. After that pitiful consult, my boss just posted in the chat group as if he’s really annoyed, bt still try to kept his cool. And of course it is obviously about me. The only thing good about it is that he didnt mention my name or humiliate me in front of others. I had my own plans already, not that i have none, so you dont go on telling as if i had none. Just this one person destroyed my whole day. Maybe Allah sent me you as a test. And maybe i didnt pass this test. It was so stressful but i tried to keep my spirits up. Even one of the family member of a patient told me that i was very patient. Maybe i look like one, but at the same time, i felt i was going into an emotional breakdown at any time.Luckily Allah sent me my friend to help ease the burden. And even so, we finished our clinic at 1.30pm. Still had to consult another case with the same boss. I tried to act as if nothing happened I had a quick lunch brought from home, and prayed zohor. And the rest was history. Another 3 referrals that i had to attend to.I didnt even had the time to express my breast milk as i was too busy seeing referrals. And my day ended at about 530pm. And i need to pray Asar so i did. I felt so down i wanted to cry. But the tears still refused to come out.then when i was about to drive home ,it happened. I cried. I had an argument with husband prolly because i was venting my anger towards him. And that didnt help at all. Things just got worse and worse. When i got back home i saw nothing. I just wanted to pray and EBM. I felt like nobody could ever understand what i have been through. It was a tough day. I just wanted to do something else to distract my mind from the thoughts that are disturbing me. I wonder what happened to me. I was very high spirited this morning. I recited mathurat like i used to and reminded of the many ‘niat’ of the reason i am working today. And that i need to be patient and work hard and pray and tawakkal. I tried to be the best that i can. I told myself i need to improve. And what are the ways i could improve myself. So when the above happened i just felt so demotivated. I hated to consult cases. And i do what i do because i want my patients to be okay and safe. You cant expect people to understand you.you are the one who is suppose to try and understand others. You cannot expect people to know that you are trying your best, because they dont see your effort, or read your hopes and your aim or hear your ‘doa’. Youre not here to impress them. I always tell myself aaahhh pedulik apa orang fikir yang penting you do your best!!! But the thing is sometime your best is below their standard. And to me that is okay because ill keep on moving. But because of a person like that you feel like you want to give up this whole thing. And i realize that isnt suppose to be. Because i need to be strong and move on. Maybe one day ill be on top and you’ll be at the bottom.and ill be thankful for this heartache. No matter how awful i am, i try to work hard. I try to read when i have the time. But only bits and pieces of knowledge because taking care of ED robs most of my time and when i’m at home ill be too tired and its difficult to study with the kids.I have to be prepared mentally all the time. And they can refer to you at any time. Yesterday i even forgot to pray Zohor. Wallahi i thought i still had my period. Uhhh. I tried to love my job. Now that i feel so down i need to step up my game and remotivate myself.ive had enough discouragement for today. I wish you were more inspiring. Cant you just talk to me in the face and tell me what is wrong, and tell me your good intentions, maybe ill deal with you better that way. Thanks for the bad day, ill make sure ill turn it into a good one.now i just wanna cry and let this tears heal my pain.