The aftermath

It has been a few weeks since the ‘incident’ happened. It broke my heart, it affected my life, and i believe no single person knows how it feels like , unless you are me a 100%,facing what i have had to deal with. I have learnt one thing and that is not to trust anybody, even to express your sadness or anger, you need to choose wisely, because we dont know to what extent that they can actually accept your response. 

I dont think i would like to be open about it after what happened. Maybe some would think that you are just one weak human, that you are not resistant enough to be dealing with such stress/pressure. That is why i have resorted to be quiet. Like i was all this while. It suits me the best because i dont want to deal with other people’s misconception. Say what you want. I know myself better than anyone else. As if this situation is not stressful enough. i dont need other people to add on the burden.but i am grateful that there are a few people who actually wanted to help me and understood me and i appreciate that. 

Like there was one time when i had a really bad day that i didnt pray or pump my milk and didnt even have proper lunch, a colleague just said “pergi la buat lepas tu” as if its not a big deal. Yes maybe its not and i should not have expected a person who is single, a woman who has never experienced engorged breast because its filled with milk and a person who is not the same religion as me to understand what i truly feel. 

I learn that i need to be more careful. I need to be more selecetive in choosing who to reveal my feelings/problems because face it, it hurts when people underrate what youre going through, especially when youre facing something difficult. And as much as i know i shouldnt expect people to understand you completely it still hurt when they respond way differently from what you expect. Next time: dont set any expectation. Understand others instead of expecting others to do the same to you. 
I feel less anxious now although that feeling occasionally sets in especially when youre confronted with something big.

Despite how terrible the aftermath of that incident is,i believe there is a good reason why Allah tested me with such misfortune. Maybe i can’t really appreciate the reason behind it now, but i start to see that there might be something positive coming out of it. 

For example, i am trying to ignore the thought that i feel like my boss is seeing me as inadequate, from the way she talked to me or the she responded when i presented, the way she pinpoint my mistakes and how she views it. I try to challenge my negative thoughts and me more optimistic. And to be honest, i appreciate my life more now. I am more happy now than i was before that incident because i try to see good and beauty in the little things, and i try to not exaggerate when i am dealing with small problems. Whatever it is, Alhamdulillah for this lesson ya Allah. I cannot guarantee that i will be stronger in the future but i will always try. Sometimes your good is not good enough, but not giving up is more than good enough. 

dr X again

I hate myself for letting the person that cause nuisance in my life to rent a huge space in my mind. To be honest he is nothing to me. Not even worth thinking of. I have more important things in life to take care of.my family , my relationship with Allah , yes that is what matters most now, furthermore, this world is only temporary and i should focus on my aims for the hereafter.

To me, every person is not perfect, we are humans and its only natural to make mistakes.what diferrentiates us is what we do post mistake.do we actually learn from it or just let it pass without tAking lessons from it? I will and always try my best and as i have told Dr X, i cant promise to be mistake free. What ican conclude from his words and actions is he  is trying to put me under scrutiny and searching and finding my mistakes is somewhat a satisfaction for him. I am sorry. I can no longer think positive about him, after what happened. Despite that, i hope i’ll try to, although its very difficult for me.

Sometimes i wonder what does he want out of me?is it only after he manage to kick me out of this department that he will be happy?what sins have i done towards him??have i humiliated him?have i said rude things to him??have i hurt his feelings before?to be honest i dont think so. What i hope is for Allah to let him feel what he has done towards me. Seriously this is time wasting i should be shifting to another topic which is more healthy for my mind.

Rough

Things have been really rough lately. Since my last worst oncall, i have been suffering so much. Why is it my worst oncall ever? Patient collapsed, equipments inadequate, the ward is far from the general hospital and i am oncall with the specialist i dislike the most. After what happened, the patient is intubated . But i have done the best i could but sometimes things just happen.To make matters worst, on Monday he says that there is discrepancy in documentation, and then without really sitting down and discuss what happened, he sent a message to me that he proposed to withhold me from oncalls or My ED job. Just like that. And put there CC TO PAKAR GROUP.

I had a major breakdown that day. I asked for a PM off and since that day onwards , i cried daily prior to work, i feel very anxious before stepping out of the house and i loss my appetite and skipped lunch and i dont even care about myself.

On friday i had another oncall, luckily it was with another doctor, but i was scolded at for consulting every tiny thing . I dont know what happened to me, i feel so scared that i discussed everything that i could, because the day before one of my colleagues were saying that dr X kept one of the patient’s card to which i have seen before her and said to her “why she dont consult ah?” And that was why i was so afraid that i consulted everything. But apparently, we cannot expect people to know our sufferings. My oncall was pretty bad. I didnt even have proper sleep and i slept in the car for a moment while waiting for the patient. I felt so bad for myself after the specialist who i am oncall with scolded me at 3 am in the morning. I know it is my fault but i dont think i deserve to be scolded as such. I know i am the quiet type and the girl who just nods and agrees to everything. I feel like people are degrading my self worth because of my vulnerable personality.  And it has been like this since the day i started working. Now i feel like i cannot take it anymore. I dont deserve such treatment. I want a better job so that i have more peAce of mind and more time for my kids and for myself. I have neglected myself lately. I have lost weight and my clothes are getting loose and i dont drink as much as i should. I look malnourished and old. Why should i suffer ? Why am i doing this to my own life??  Sometimes i wonder what sins have i done? I do my work , i dont play truant and i am not the lazy type, i go to work early, i am motivated to go to work, i have my aims and i try to study when i have the time, i jot down in my notebook if i have made any mistakes to remind myself next time , i tell my colleagues if i make a mistake just inform me so that i can learn from my mistakes,but when i make a mistake people scrutinize it and forget all the good deeds i have done but then again i am not doing this  for them and i dont intend to satisfy or lure anyone to like me as i am doing it for Allah ,for the people and for my own sake. I know work can be stressful and a little stress is OKAY but now i feel like it robs the life out of me and i dont deserve that at all! People say the grass is always greener on the other side , and i agree yes it is, but right now, this is too much, and even if i take up another job i know that no job in this world is stress free and that is not what i aim for. I want to work in an environment that is healthy for me so that no matter how stressful that job is i will still LOVE MY JOB AND DO MY VERY BEST. I know problems will occasionally appear and i will gladly take it as a challenge in life, but right now this is like a signal for me that maybe  yes MAYBE i should change my job. although to be honest i really love psychiatry, but  i dont think i am fit to be a doctor because of how i deal with things.i feel like i am meant to do something else.I have been thinking about it for a long time, and i took psychiatry because i loved this subject.
I feel so depressed. Not just sad. But depressed. 

Moving in

We just moved out from our old house. It was tiring, especially for hubby.  We were staying in mainland, now we are renting a condo in the island. So far it has been about 1 year that we are staying in Penang. I am not trying to be negative about this whole being in a different state but honestly speaking, i am not a city girl at heart. Traffic jams are exhausting and wear me down, i no longer fancy huge shopping malls like i used to, i hate being in a place where there are packed with people, i dont like driving on the highway. All this while i thought of myself as a city girl. Hahah perasan oi! But NO. Well maybe to be more accurate i am not a girl who likes to live in big cities. I dont mind staying in a place like Kuching though. And another con of being in a big city, you dont know who your neighbours are, strangers will most likely remain strangers, people tend to be more inconsiderate, and there is no genuine human relationship or silaturrahim. Communication tends to be more aggresive, instead of assertive . Oh i could rant on and on but my point is just this one : I DONT BELONG HERE. I know this sounds unlikely of me but i prefer staying in kota bharu to be honest. Like seriously. Although there are a lot of interesting places to explore here, but i hate the environment. I know kota bharu can have bad traffic jams too due to the narrow roads but at least it is still bearable. I cant bear the drivers here i mean it seriously do you guys even have manners to begin with? I have always wanted to buy a big cardboard and write with a thick marker pen thats says “PENANGITES , SIGNALS PLEASE” and maybe raise that cardboard and put it near the window whenever i come across those kind of drivers. ha ha. I know this idea sounds almost insane, but i am serious about it. The way you drive somehow reflects who you are as a person. In fact anything that we do could reflect our inner self.

Anyway , i love our new home. I plan to save more money so that i could buy things to decorate my new home. Although its not spacious as it is only 1300square feet, believe me we are considered lucky, i think most people here lives at a space less than 1200 square feet. I am not trying to brag, but as a sarawakian who is used to live in a place with more land and space, 1300 square feet is kind of suffocating. But i still can stand it. Oh wait till my family come here they will complain about how small my home is. Duh. Hahah.

So, new home hopefully comes with new hopes too. Since that traumatic day, i tend to become anxious when it comes to work. I think i almost hate my current job but i am trying to move on and make a change. Take that leap of faith. I need to work reallly damn hard. And i am going to fight and fight till the end. Lets do this!

Although we just moved in to our new home on friday, we still had the chance to go to my cousin’s wedding( you can imagine how exhausted it was- especially my husband). Hubby drove all the way from Penang to KL.we were suppose to depart earlier but due to some problems(like i was too sleepy and exhausted ,slept at 2am the day earlier,our iron is in our old home-no way im gonna wear wrinkled clothes for my cousins wedding ceremony!, babies and bla3). The ceremony started at 11am and ended at 4pm. We reached the wedding venue at 415pm. I know right, It was embarassing and i swear we were the last guest. Omg. But whatever it is, it is worth it. Due to the fact that she is my cousin and i remembered her attending my wedding before so we dont mind going all the way from Penang just to attend her wedding. 


We went to IKEA Cheras after that but got out empty handed. Need to save money ya know. We reached Penang by 12 midnight and snoozed off after i EBM

The bright side

So many negative things happening lately. I promise this post wont be anything but about the good and positive things only. I know i am the kind of girl who can get drowned in my negative thoughts. I am a sensitive person. And sometimes i dont receive criticism well, especially when it comes from a third person. Ok ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I am glad that my friends and family are supportive


Things that my mother sent me to make me stronger and more optimistic!

Yep that’s true! Why should i stress myself, spent hours worrying which will only make me sick,on someone who doesnt give a damn about me, or probably hates me, who is not worth anything to me in my life, who doesnt even benefit me at all, who makes my work a burden, who creates an ugly environment for me to work in, like why why why?? He is probably at home enjoying and dont give a damn about me, and here i am thinking about someone who is not important at all in my life!!! why am i making my own life difficult!! Life is short and spending even a minute on that ugly hearted person is futile!!futile i tell you!

The annoying Dr X

After what happened yesterday , it was quite weird that nothing appeared in the chatgroup to indirectly complain about me. I was checking it on and off but nothing. I tried to look at the whole situation positively, i tried to think positive thoughts about you dr x, and i tried to extract lessons from all the pain that you serve me with. I tried to take the good side of it. Until today. My big boss called me to her room. My heart skipped a beat. I saw you just right next to the room. I knew it was about yesterday. And you should know that i know who complained to the big boss. I still cant digest the situation at that time. My big boss was kind enough to tell me in a proper way. She didnt scold me. Although i know a few people who doesnt like her ways, but she is still considerate and that made me respect her more. Anyway, she asked me a few questions. I started to tremble a little, i felt my heart pounding a little faster,and i noticed that i was about to cry.i tried to swallow my throat to hold myself from crying. I felt like im a terrible person and a terrible doctor . Then what made me even sad was that despite trying my best, i still received that complain. Despite trying my best, to some i am still the weak girl. At that moment when i was in front of my big boss, i tried to sit straight and be strong and not cry. To be frank, i wish i could blurt out everything that has been kept inside of me. I wish i could tell her my story, how i felt about the whole thing, tell her about my strategies and my efforts to improve myself, and asked her what else should i do to improve.i wish i could tell her that everyday, i remind myself of why i am working, i recite doa menuntut ilmu and ask for Allah to give me more knowledge, i reminded myself of the mistakes i have done and what i have learnt out of it. I tried to be positive and tell myself that the things that u dont like may not be necessarily bad for you and the things that you like may not be necessarily good for you. I wish i could tell her that everyday is a struggle, and that i kept on reminding myself that nothing is easy in this world, and that eventually everything will be okay. I wish. But i know as much as i want to tell her those things, i know i cant , because i know i will end up crying. Sometimes i wonder is my sin towards dr x that big for him to do this to me?if he really wanted to help and if he really is a kind and generous person, why cant he tell me straight to my face in a proper way, and teach me along the way? I thought a psychiatrist should know better about dealing with a person and should have more patience? I will always remember Dr    X as the guy who cant give a proper smile when i passed him by in the hallway. I always tried to give a smile but he always gave his tight face or an expression that is a cross between a smile and an annoyed face. I tried to be positive about it though, maybe that is the way he is, even in front of other people. But today, i believed the opposite. I was too sad to believe what is good. The only thing i feel now is that he hates me. Probably for being the weak girl and The girl who doesnt know much.  After i got out of my bis boss’ room i sat in the MO room and just cried. There were people around but my emotions got out of hand . I started crying and tears ran down my cheeks and i had no control over it. When one of my colleagues came to ask me a few things about work, i just asked him to wait and then i cried. Its so embarassing having to cry at that moment. And to make things worse i was oncall. I felt like my hopes are crushing down before my eyes. I felt like its the end of this world. But i am glad i still have the strength to pick up this broken pieces of me and get up from this fall. My friend is right, i need to be strong, there are many more like Dr X in this world. Hopefully at every painful encounter, i’ll be stronger each time. To Dr X , you may feel like you have done nothing wrong, but hopefully one day you will feel what i felt yesterday.i know some days where you feel annoyed when i tried to consult you and you gave me that unpleasant look. You know what, i always dont get your jokes, when you laugh out of a reason i have no idea of, i tried to laugh along because i thought that it would be a pity if i didnt do so. There are so many awkward moments between me and you i wish i could erase it from my memory box. Youre not the kind of boss i would love to work with. In front of the others you may seem like a good person, but thats it. You treated me differently . I believe if the mistake i made was done by other people it would not be as annoying to you. Treat people the the way you want to be treated, and i am sure you will hate to be treated the way you treated me. You played your game well Dr X. Well done! One day, the tables will turn. We’ll see Dr X. We will see.

Bilut

Yesterday i had a task which i hesitated to do. Which is to consult a boss who i have zero chemistry with. I dont know what else to say. I tried my best to be as complete as possible. And it was difficult to consult via phone when i was in ED. For some reason,his voice was unclear through the phone. When i said i cant hear, somehow i felt like he got irritated so i had to go all the way from ED to the clinic to consult. I have my own plan and so on but still that didnt seem to satisfy him. His expression was mixed, its like a code i need to decipher but i failed to do so. In the end , i still felt clueless. If i am 100% sure of my findings i wouldnt waste my time to consult. Why should i? Just to be heartbroken and frustrated. Maybe he doesnt see my effort , and i shouldnt even care if he does or not. I need to remind myself constantly this is not a place where i have to satisfy humans. I am here to do itqan fil amal. I just did what i have to do. Recited surah al-qursi and then doa and tawakkal. I think Allah helped me as much as needed. For some reasons, i still felt disappointed with myself. I know i shouldnt feel that way, and have ‘redha’ in my heart instead. Nobody says its going to be easy. But remember with hardship, comes ease, with hardship, comes ease. 

To be honest i feel so paranoid if ever i have to consult him again, i feel like he will screw me down until i raise the white flag, i feel like i am under scrutiny and he will search for my mistakes and magnify it

Mrcpsy

A lot of my colleagues are taking MRCPSY, and that made me consider whether i should take it in the near future. I discussed this with my close friends ,my husband and family, and they support whatever i am into and i feel really blessed just for that reason only.

I know my dad is mostly and insatiable man, and i know sometimes i always feel like i am not good enough for him, but deep down i know he still trust me and support me all the way. Thanks dad, i love you. 

I hope this is the right thing to do. 


Thanks to my mom too who is always behind my back. Btw, i dont think i am smart enough, but having their support keeps me going!

A little girl’s way

When i was a little girl, whenever i felt sad or i felt like i want a shoulder to cry on, i’ll hug my hello kitty doll, or pretend that i have an imaginery friend to talk to, make jokes so that i could have a good laugh, and make them tell me that everything will be okay. I guess that is a kind of defense mechanism for me to help me cope. I wonder if i can still use the same technique when i am all grown up, with 2 kids some more. Ha ha. A more mature approach is of course to ask help from Allah. Every morning, i remind myself, to attain help fron Allah is by 2 things; 1. Patience 2.solat. It is written in the Qur’an that way. I hope Allah will grant me more patience.

Things dont always go your way, and that is life. Maybe for some , yes. I have to work harder to be a better migha. Nobody knows how difficult it is to change and to be persistent of that change for the betterment of myself. I know i have reminded myself, along this journey i will fall down and cry, but the most important thing is i will never give up and always bounce back. And to bounce back is not easy most of the time. 

Just a normal day

I told you i am going to write and post more often now and tell you guys about my ED adventures. zzzzz. As usual we had our clinic today , handle by 2 of us. And then, i received a call at around 11am. The rest was rather.. History. Another 4 referrals received. To be a psychiatrist, one quality is a must, which is to be patient. I am not saying i am one, but i must must try my best. It was tiring.  By 430 pm i was having 3 patients awaiting for me. So u can guess when i finished.I passed over one to the oncall person. One pt absconded while i was attending a pt in yellow zone. Received 2 cases of deliberate self harm. One was because he was under alcohol and possible illict substance influence and the other one was because she was so mad at he daughter and wanted to ?scare her. Ohh whats happening to homosapiens nowadays. *long sigh*