We are just humans

Despite all that happened, and despite the fact that i dont like staying here, cause i am far from my family and so on , people have been really kind to me. And i really appreciate that a lot. 

My colleagues have been really helpful and it made me touched.

May Allah repay all their kindness. 

This pregnancy has been pretty rough. I suffer lethargy and shortness of breath nothing like my previous two pregnancy. That it made me wonder if theres anything seriously wrong with me. 

Maybe i think too much but ive done what i could.

You know, sometimes, despite whatever mistakes people have done , that made other people become judgemental towards them, i always like to think of it this way;

They are human beings and human beings make mistakes. No one is perfect . Maybe all we see are flaws, but maybe if we search a little deeper, there will always be a good side. In each and one of us.

Thank you to all my colleagues. 😍

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Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to explain to people, they will and can never understand. We cannot change people, unless they are willing too. We have no control of what will happen to us, or how others will treat or think of us. We have absolutely no control. No matter how much we worry or sigh, those are the things that we can never be in charge of. We can only control our actions, and reactions . 

Give me a long long break

To be honest, preggy symptoms this time around is the worst ever. Maybe not as bad as other people but it is enough to get me on my nerves. My abdomen feels uncomfortable , i feel like i wanna vomit all the time but i cant. I wanna  burp all the time and it makes me sick. I am hungry, but the thought of eating will make me nauseous and will make me feel bloated i will feel awful again.

My asthma came earlier this time. I feel lethargic and exhausted as if i have hiked a mountain. 

This is all the test that Allah put me through. In fact i should be grateful its not life threatening to me or my baby. 

I feel lifeless, meaningless, all this depressing thoughts invading my mind. It hurts.

I need a break. A long break. All that happened is overwhelming for me. I cannot take it anymore. Of course i can push myself but what good does it do to me? I will hurt myself, my kids , my hubby. I have had enough.

Yesterday we went to visit Mokwan. Feeling nauseous i dont eat much. But seeing buah asam is so tempting. So i ate like the whole fruit. Although i KNOW that the consequences will be devastating(uncomfortable stomach,nauseated,bloated,gaseous)

I cry more nowadays. I told my husband that i cant bear this anymore. I just need a break.. 😢

Padang Kota

I wouldnt say that this week was awful. All of this drama happened internally. It is an internal conflict . It is me VS me. And so far it is still ongoing. Most people urged me to get unpaid leave. I hope so. The thing i hate most about this work is that you still worry that people might judge you because youre takig unpaid leave. Well of course i have no time for that. Even when one of my colleague sort of scolded me the other day, i just  couldnt bother much because i just dont care anymore as i have more things running through my mind that i have no space for such things.

Finally the weekend is here. Like FINALLY. I will always wait for weekends cause its like an outing for a girl in who lives in a dormitory. 

So, in the morning, i cooked for my family breakfast, and then my hubby and I had a date in Queensbay mall. He was looking for a comfy shoes and at the same time stylish so of course he needed me. Haha.

But in the end he regretted buying that hush puppies shoes after he saw one Clarks shoes as it appeared to be more stylish although the previous one was more comfortable -_-

“Geng fattah amin” nya padah.. -_-

 In the evening we went to Padang Kota. It was an unplanned trip. 

Well to be honest, i hate Penang. I just cannot tolerate it. As much as i dont like staying in Kota Bharu but Penang is like a new whole level of hatred. Maybe it is just me being negative. But i try to just see the beauty of it now. Enjoy what i can here and appreciate whatever i have NOW. BERSYUKUR. Yea.

Another reason could be because i wanted to be in Sarawak so much but i couldnt so its just me hating every state that isnt Sarawak. My guess.

Hmm.

Ok so back to the story, that place was packed wih people(so not me). Its just nice to walk down and stroll down by the sea. Had some Penang food like Char Kuey Teow  and laksa penang. Why i liked that experience? Because its something out of the usual activities that we do.

I wish they have more green and clean gardens for me to enjoy the view and breathe fresh air. *sigh*

Of course i will keep on comparing to my hometown. Hmm . The beach is just like 5 minutes from home.

Hubby bought a bubble gun for Fateh and he was so excited about it. Kept on playing it until it ran out of soap.

Salman, as usual, he maintained his cool, not so sure whether he already understood whats going on around him. But watching bubbles fascinated him and Fateh bullied his brother my shooting bubbles at Salman. -_-


Next week i am taking leave again. I took it because at that time i was so stressed and i thought i needed a break.(a bit longer than the weekends)

Initialy we planned to go to Batu Ferringhi, but since we already went to Tanjung tokong last week, i suddenly had this idea to go to Cameron Highlands because i want to eat fresh strawberries.

So yeayyy i CANT WAIT!!!

1st ECT

Today SOMETHING happened. I just helped my friend to do her ECT today as she was up with something else.

So this will be the first time tht i am in charge of ECT alone, since i am done with the credentialling.but there was a senior accompanying me, but he only observed.

Me, still not in my right mind, physically stil not well, but i helped out anyway because she’s my friend so i dont even mind.

It ended up by me doing some silly mistakes.

I dont even know why i didnt realize it.. it’s like my mind cant think, and it is in autopilot mode.

I am still not well, mentally. But physically i am in a recovery phase.

So many things going on inside my head.

I feel like running away.

So because of my mistake, one of my colleagues called me and sort of scolded me for my mistake. I accepted it and apologiZed. It was my fault. 

And one specialist even asked me to sit with her so that she could tell what i should have done. Which is really nice of her.

And today we had lunch outside, which was really nice.my other colleagues were supportive and it cheered me up a little. Thanks guys.

But my heart still hurts inside.

When your own blood says that youre a waste. 

So today i was trying to hold back my tears.

People noticed. Of course they do. They know i am in such distress, but its not about the incident this morning. 

Its the DILEMMA.

Nobody understands how i feel right now.

I know i am meant to do something great. But not this. This is just not for me. I could sense it strongly. 

I am booking myself an appointment with a psychologist. Lets see how it goes..

I still feel clueless.  I feel like i am floating on an ocean aimlessly, without a destination. I dont know what i should do. I am at my ends wit. Nobody understands how it is a struggle for me, to go through everyday, not knowing who you are, or who youre gonna be. I am that girl lost in an ocean, and one day, i hope i’ll find a reason to be the person i wish to be.

Sick

I was down with a fever and sorethroat on my oncall day. Yet i still feel i could go through it. I took my pills and oncall went on as usual but when the effects faded i had chills and became feverish again. Till my work day ended on friday with my presentation done. 

Okay, not to repeat the whole misery but thought i was recovering. I was on regular panadol, but i had chills after 5 hours of taking medicine. So on monday i thought i was okay but no ..the fever came again i had a heavy headache and i took a day off. 

You see i am not the kind of person who likes taking MCs. Why? Because people , no matter how they are kind to you they will doubt you. Ok maybe thats a negative thought but i am super cautious about it because i just cannot trust anybody.

But i had shortness of breath which worsened by night and husband had to send me to ED . Nothing like majorly serious but i was okay after a neb. I was still exhausted and helpless. So i took another day of leave. 

Oh ya back from ed hubby bought me porridge and icecream. Hmm dont worry it has nothing to do with my asthma attack.

Oh they scanned my baby again now i could see its little head. I hope youre a girl darling. Please be nice to mommy .

Overwhelmed

I have not blogged for a very long time. I dont update my life often on social media. And  somehow i have the perception that just because i dont do people think that i dont have a life.

It doesnt mean that i dont update how happy i am as a wife, means that i am not. 

It does not mean that when i dont update what i cook everyday, means that i dont cook at all. 

It does not mean that i dont update about my kids, that i dont love them.

Well,i am not condemning those who do though, because really, it is up to us! 

I am an introvert, remember?

It is just updating your life on social media has been such a norm that not doing so will somehow make others think that you dont have much going on in your life.
Oh i have so much going on in my life right alright.

My grandmother just passed away. It hurts. It really does. I am her first grandchild. I still remember that everytime i go back to miri or somewhere else after celebrating raya in kuching, i will cry because i have to leave her. I am the most ‘manja’ in that sense. Or ‘congek’. Now raya wont ever be the same again.

And now i am ina dilemma of whether to quit my job or not because i hate it so much. At the moment. I feel like i couldnt not take it anymore.

And i am pregnant with my 3rd child. To be honest, the moment i knew this news, i cried. I cried not because i was happy because i was afraid. Pregnancy is no easy job. Oh and childbirth itself?? Tell me about it. It was unexpected. But hubby says, maybe there is something good coming out of all of this. And then i realized, what was i thinking?? This is Allah’s rezeki for me and i should be grateful! 

Yes i should be happy and grateful. Yes i am trying. But this time around the preggy symptoms seem to be a lot more awful than my previous two. The bloating and nausea and burping is bad. Like you are reallyy hungrryy like a lion but when you eat you feel so sick. 

And dealing with my job while i am in the dilemma of quitting makes it even worse.

I was done with my presentation 2 days ago.I prepared 2 weeks to complete it. Yes , 2 WEEKS. Yet, i still feel like i could have done better . I still feel like i didnt have nuch time, because my sons were sick, and whatnot?

To top that off, i was post call during my presentation, and had to deal with doctors who like to search for any imperfections, instead of correcting.  Oh and I slept at 3 am that night. 

Sometimes i question, why Allah put me in this difficult situation, cause i feel so helpless, i was sick , pregnant and i hate my job. But i realized one thing, this is HIS TEST for me. I always feel like i fail in it cause i am not strong enough.

Despite all what happened, hubby surprised me with a one night stay in Rainbow paradise resort, tanjong bungah.He knows i am too stressed. Too burnt out. I am at the verge of losing it all.

Thank you husband.

I love you.

Judge how good a guy is after you have a child. Can they still be sweet, willing to care for the child when he is sick and crying?? 


Oh another thing is, pregnancy drains your confident level. My skin breaks out so much, my nose will be swollen, and my body will expand, say hello to stretchmarks,my skin will be so dull, it makes you ugly. Hey baby , please remember mama’s sacrifice alright. (Those who are still beautiful during pregnancy please dont even talk to me )

The aftermath

It has been a few weeks since the ‘incident’ happened. It broke my heart, it affected my life, and i believe no single person knows how it feels like , unless you are me a 100%,facing what i have had to deal with. I have learnt one thing and that is not to trust anybody, even to express your sadness or anger, you need to choose wisely, because we dont know to what extent that they can actually accept your response. 

I dont think i would like to be open about it after what happened. Maybe some would think that you are just one weak human, that you are not resistant enough to be dealing with such stress/pressure. That is why i have resorted to be quiet. Like i was all this while. It suits me the best because i dont want to deal with other people’s misconception. Say what you want. I know myself better than anyone else. As if this situation is not stressful enough. i dont need other people to add on the burden.but i am grateful that there are a few people who actually wanted to help me and understood me and i appreciate that. 

Like there was one time when i had a really bad day that i didnt pray or pump my milk and didnt even have proper lunch, a colleague just said “pergi la buat lepas tu” as if its not a big deal. Yes maybe its not and i should not have expected a person who is single, a woman who has never experienced engorged breast because its filled with milk and a person who is not the same religion as me to understand what i truly feel. 

I learn that i need to be more careful. I need to be more selecetive in choosing who to reveal my feelings/problems because face it, it hurts when people underrate what youre going through, especially when youre facing something difficult. And as much as i know i shouldnt expect people to understand you completely it still hurt when they respond way differently from what you expect. Next time: dont set any expectation. Understand others instead of expecting others to do the same to you. 
I feel less anxious now although that feeling occasionally sets in especially when youre confronted with something big.

Despite how terrible the aftermath of that incident is,i believe there is a good reason why Allah tested me with such misfortune. Maybe i can’t really appreciate the reason behind it now, but i start to see that there might be something positive coming out of it. 

For example, i am trying to ignore the thought that i feel like my boss is seeing me as inadequate, from the way she talked to me or the she responded when i presented, the way she pinpoint my mistakes and how she views it. I try to challenge my negative thoughts and me more optimistic. And to be honest, i appreciate my life more now. I am more happy now than i was before that incident because i try to see good and beauty in the little things, and i try to not exaggerate when i am dealing with small problems. Whatever it is, Alhamdulillah for this lesson ya Allah. I cannot guarantee that i will be stronger in the future but i will always try. Sometimes your good is not good enough, but not giving up is more than good enough.