booster dose

work has been so stressful lately. almost everyday i go home late. for psy to be back near 6 or 7 is considered terrible. people always think that if youre inthis field you will go back sharp at 5.

i tried to be optimistic, challenge ny negative thoughts, but there will come a time ill just sit down and cry, because i am human.

people dont get it and thats fine. what people think is not my concern. you can say whatever you want, go on , cause in the end i am the one who goes through this experience, not you.

when something bad happens i try to ask myself what benefit i get out of this. and ill come out with a handful of advices for myself to get better than before

things can get rough but its temporary and not permanent. just be strong and act confident

things happen for a reason, and even if you dont foresee it now, someday you will.

i am not the most patient of a person, but i am trying, real hard.

i am human and i have flaws, i do kaizen as often i can nowadays, ask myself what can i do to become better

accept your mistakes, its the first step to self improvement.

dont worry about the things you cant control, be solution oriented instead of mulling over the problem relentlessly without coming to a solution.

there is a reason you have certain flaws. work hard to improve yourself . flaws keep you to the ground, reminds you that only Allah is perfect.

dont seek for other peoples weakness, always seek the good. what u seek in others reflects the window of your heart.

if people dislike you, stay and be kind. dont do the same to them. disliking someone implicitly gives them the power to take control of your life. forgive those who have harmed you in the past.

if someone thinks terrible things of you despite it not being true, dont worry, it is not your concern, that is their loss for thinking negatively. as long you have done your best, youre good to go. each negative thought is like a virus that infects our mind. dont let it infect your mind too.

every experience is perfect for your growth. pain is the best growth factor. take pain in a good way. be an opportunist. seek the best in each experience you encounter.

you are made up of the things you think of yourself. so think of the good things and make them true. you may think that its impossible for something to become as it is merely by thinking. but never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

nothing is impossible. anything that you want in this life is possible. remember to be 100% responsible of your own life. dont do the blame game.

you cant change or control what happens to you. so why worry. no matter how much you worry it wont even lift a speck of dust. focus on things that you can control. if you dont know how to do something, learn. if you fail, try harder. if you fail again, try a different method. failure gives you the opportunity to try different ways to achieve what you want. take failure as a stepping stone to success, dont let it weigh your self esteem down.

Advertisements

booster dose

its been pretty hectic since i start working. and tonight was the first night i went for taraweh prayers. only Allah knows how difficult it has been this past few weeks. i may feel low for a little while then ill get up again. there should be no fear in falling. remember migha, dont let other people’s opinion define who you are. dont let your flaws and mistakes determine your self worth. you are the most responsible person to shape who you want to become. you are human and youre suppose to have flaws. having a weakness is not suppose to deprecate who you are as a person, whats more important is what you do about it. remember migha, nothing beats perseverance. success is achieved by ordinary people who have extraordinary will to succeed. success is believing in yourself when nobody would. im glad for a strong support system. Alhamdulillah.

one day im gonna look back at this post and say, you see migha, all of this is worthwhile. you did it migha!

one day im gonna sing frank sinatra’s – my way and really mean every single word of it.

The Paradigm Shift

8 months is a long time. a baby would have learn how to crawl or even stand up by the time he is 8 months old. and thats how long ive not been updating my blog.

it doesnt mean ive stopped. ive never stopped writing, at all. ive a journal that i write in once in a while. i am a journalist of my own life. a passion that has been there since i was young. ive never done it for anyone else, but purely for my own satisfaction. and i will continue to do this for as long as i can. ive never expected readers before, but having some is nice. thanks hani for reminding me to blog!

as some may know, ive had a major breakdown. one that required me to make a major move.life was miserable. i had zero motivation to work.

everything was out of place, my life was not in an order i expected. i was pregnant with my third, which i brokedown in tears immediately after i read the 2 clear double lined result from the pregnancy kit, my beloved grandmother passed away, i had a rough pregnancy in my first trimester, i hated my job, i was full of negativity that i thought i shouldnt live anymore. Everything felt wrong in a way i cant really describe. i thought i was at my lowest point in my life. i was ready to give up. i was a lost lonely sailor in the middle of the ocean and my boat was about to sink but i was ready to get drown and pass the thought of even trying to swim.

of course the reality was i was never alone. i had a supportive husband, mother, friends and bosses.

i know at the time i was in a dire need of a break. and that led me to my 3 months of unpaid leave.

and it was the best decision ive made in my entire life because good things started to arrive gradually at the right time and place . and it didnt came out of no where. it arrived because i took the effort to search and because of my loved ones who prayed and made du’aa for me.THANKS!!!

it all started after my mother recommended me a book (the monk who sold his ferrari by robin sharma) with hopes that it would change the way i think. and it did. im not saying that just merely by reading this book i turned into someone else. but it initiated the journey of finding myself for the better.and then i realised, this was a blessing in disguise. i was meant to feel lost and wounded so that i could find myself all over again, only in a much much better form.

Knowledge only becomes powerful if you apply it. so i started my own personal project (i named it The Paradigm Shift Project )where i tried to apply what ive read in my daily life, and i made sure i persevered by making trackers- marked the habit if i did it that day. this served as a feedback and if i was off course ill make sure i would put in more effort to keep me back on track.

a lot has changed ever since .completing a book led to more readings. i am not a bookworm to be precise but i developed a fondness for books that could possibly be life changing. more than half of my book collections came from the self-help bookshelves.

i wasnt inherently optimistic. reading books from this section fuelled my optimism tank. and despite some people being skeptic about these self help books, it worked wonders for me. and thats only if i applied the principles on a daily basis. of course the most pertinent value of all to assure it worked effectively is persevarance and tenacity.

i made full use of my unpaid leave. i did a lot of reading(relatively much compared to almost zero non medical books prior to this), did some soul searching, spent time with my kids, reflecting on myself- what i could do to improve my current situation and myself, learn about the importance of gratitude- i made a gratitude log to make sure theres something to be grateful about everyday, sought for solutions to all my dilemmas, learnt to be optimistic and see my life and the world that i live in a different perspective and definetely a more favourable one.

in the process, i come to realize that all this while i was incapacitated by mostly 3 things that were deemed trivial (by me)but in fact were perilous to my self-worth and my life in general.

1. self doubt

i had so many that it tainted the love for myself, created innumerable fears and made me avoid stepping out of my own comfort zone.

2. the need for external validation

the first point will definitely lead to this. i was not confident of making my own decision. the need for approval of others is exhausting. until i come to realize ,it is my life and i should take full charge. other people can give me opinions, but the decision making is in my hand and only in mine.

3. lack of persevarance

one thing i have noticed, i have made the right move when i thought my performance was going downhill.but i was not consistent. i was full of doubts that i didnt have the confidence that my efforts would yield the results ive always wanted. i judged myself way too early and made me ceased whatever effort i made just because i havent seen results.

and while i cant say that this project is 100% successful(ive just started 2 months ago) but i know it is going in that direction.

i dont know whether it deserves to be called a project, because i am thinking that it should be bigger than what it is called because i want it to be a part of me for the rest of my life. i’ll definitely need to review and assess its efficacy once in a while, tweak a few things here and there to accomodate the changes i go through in my life.

The list of items in my current project:

1. trying to be 100% optimistic

2. gratitude is a miracle magnet

3. Allah is always number 1

4. redefine your dreams

5. overcome your fears

6.envision your goals

7.always spend time to reflect on yourself and how to improve

8. and of course, the above will be nothing without taking action.

9. be inspired by people who have made it to the top.

10. seek the good in the people you meet and the circumstances you go through each day.

the biggest decision i have made in my career so far was to apply as a trainee lecturer .it took me 2 months to finally arrive to this decision after ive made the guidance prayer continuously.

Honestly,it took me a lot of effort. i did things that were unlikely of me.i learnt to ask for things i wanted, overcame my fears- i needed to inform the head of the department and the specialist in charge as well as asking them to write sort of a ‘review’ of me and my work performance and constantly need to overcome the 3 things i have mentioned before.

i needed to erase how i perceived myself all this while (meek and weak). if youre reading this, KNOW THIS BY HEART, dont let others or your inner critic define your self worth!

i hold on to the quote that courage is not the absence of fear, but making sure that fear doesnt stop you from getting to where you want to be.

i mustered all the courage and confidence ive had in me to go through this.and i even astound myself of the amount of these 2 values ive already had in me just because i searched and believed in myself.

i recently sat for an interview last month for that particular post and its not too much to say that it was the interview that i felt i was most confident. i have only went to 3 interviews my whole life- interview for MARA, prior to housemanship and the latest – for the trainee lecturer post.

I am proud to say that i am not afraid of failing. Even if i fail to get this post i can feel in in my bones that despite the outcome, i know i am going to succeed somehow.its just a matter of time.

We are just humans

Despite all that happened, and despite the fact that i dont like staying here, cause i am far from my family and so on , people have been really kind to me. And i really appreciate that a lot. 

My colleagues have been really helpful and it made me touched.

May Allah repay all their kindness. 

This pregnancy has been pretty rough. I suffer lethargy and shortness of breath nothing like my previous two pregnancy. That it made me wonder if theres anything seriously wrong with me. 

Maybe i think too much but ive done what i could.

You know, sometimes, despite whatever mistakes people have done , that made other people become judgemental towards them, i always like to think of it this way;

They are human beings and human beings make mistakes. No one is perfect . Maybe all we see are flaws, but maybe if we search a little deeper, there will always be a good side. In each and one of us.

Thank you to all my colleagues. 😍

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to explain to people, they will and can never understand. We cannot change people, unless they are willing too. We have no control of what will happen to us, or how others will treat or think of us. We have absolutely no control. No matter how much we worry or sigh, those are the things that we can never be in charge of. We can only control our actions, and reactions . 

Give me a long long break

To be honest, preggy symptoms this time around is the worst ever. Maybe not as bad as other people but it is enough to get me on my nerves. My abdomen feels uncomfortable , i feel like i wanna vomit all the time but i cant. I wanna  burp all the time and it makes me sick. I am hungry, but the thought of eating will make me nauseous and will make me feel bloated i will feel awful again.

My asthma came earlier this time. I feel lethargic and exhausted as if i have hiked a mountain. 

This is all the test that Allah put me through. In fact i should be grateful its not life threatening to me or my baby. 

I feel lifeless, meaningless, all this depressing thoughts invading my mind. It hurts.

I need a break. A long break. All that happened is overwhelming for me. I cannot take it anymore. Of course i can push myself but what good does it do to me? I will hurt myself, my kids , my hubby. I have had enough.

Yesterday we went to visit Mokwan. Feeling nauseous i dont eat much. But seeing buah asam is so tempting. So i ate like the whole fruit. Although i KNOW that the consequences will be devastating(uncomfortable stomach,nauseated,bloated,gaseous)

I cry more nowadays. I told my husband that i cant bear this anymore. I just need a break.. 😢

Padang Kota

I wouldnt say that this week was awful. All of this drama happened internally. It is an internal conflict . It is me VS me. And so far it is still ongoing. Most people urged me to get unpaid leave. I hope so. The thing i hate most about this work is that you still worry that people might judge you because youre takig unpaid leave. Well of course i have no time for that. Even when one of my colleague sort of scolded me the other day, i just  couldnt bother much because i just dont care anymore as i have more things running through my mind that i have no space for such things.

Finally the weekend is here. Like FINALLY. I will always wait for weekends cause its like an outing for a girl in who lives in a dormitory. 

So, in the morning, i cooked for my family breakfast, and then my hubby and I had a date in Queensbay mall. He was looking for a comfy shoes and at the same time stylish so of course he needed me. Haha.

But in the end he regretted buying that hush puppies shoes after he saw one Clarks shoes as it appeared to be more stylish although the previous one was more comfortable -_-

“Geng fattah amin” nya padah.. -_-

 In the evening we went to Padang Kota. It was an unplanned trip. 

Well to be honest, i hate Penang. I just cannot tolerate it. As much as i dont like staying in Kota Bharu but Penang is like a new whole level of hatred. Maybe it is just me being negative. But i try to just see the beauty of it now. Enjoy what i can here and appreciate whatever i have NOW. BERSYUKUR. Yea.

Another reason could be because i wanted to be in Sarawak so much but i couldnt so its just me hating every state that isnt Sarawak. My guess.

Hmm.

Ok so back to the story, that place was packed wih people(so not me). Its just nice to walk down and stroll down by the sea. Had some Penang food like Char Kuey Teow  and laksa penang. Why i liked that experience? Because its something out of the usual activities that we do.

I wish they have more green and clean gardens for me to enjoy the view and breathe fresh air. *sigh*

Of course i will keep on comparing to my hometown. Hmm . The beach is just like 5 minutes from home.

Hubby bought a bubble gun for Fateh and he was so excited about it. Kept on playing it until it ran out of soap.

Salman, as usual, he maintained his cool, not so sure whether he already understood whats going on around him. But watching bubbles fascinated him and Fateh bullied his brother my shooting bubbles at Salman. -_-


Next week i am taking leave again. I took it because at that time i was so stressed and i thought i needed a break.(a bit longer than the weekends)

Initialy we planned to go to Batu Ferringhi, but since we already went to Tanjung tokong last week, i suddenly had this idea to go to Cameron Highlands because i want to eat fresh strawberries.

So yeayyy i CANT WAIT!!!

1st ECT

Today SOMETHING happened. I just helped my friend to do her ECT today as she was up with something else.

So this will be the first time tht i am in charge of ECT alone, since i am done with the credentialling.but there was a senior accompanying me, but he only observed.

Me, still not in my right mind, physically stil not well, but i helped out anyway because she’s my friend so i dont even mind.

It ended up by me doing some silly mistakes.

I dont even know why i didnt realize it.. it’s like my mind cant think, and it is in autopilot mode.

I am still not well, mentally. But physically i am in a recovery phase.

So many things going on inside my head.

I feel like running away.

So because of my mistake, one of my colleagues called me and sort of scolded me for my mistake. I accepted it and apologiZed. It was my fault. 

And one specialist even asked me to sit with her so that she could tell what i should have done. Which is really nice of her.

And today we had lunch outside, which was really nice.my other colleagues were supportive and it cheered me up a little. Thanks guys.

But my heart still hurts inside.

When your own blood says that youre a waste. 

So today i was trying to hold back my tears.

People noticed. Of course they do. They know i am in such distress, but its not about the incident this morning. 

Its the DILEMMA.

Nobody understands how i feel right now.

I know i am meant to do something great. But not this. This is just not for me. I could sense it strongly. 

I am booking myself an appointment with a psychologist. Lets see how it goes..

I still feel clueless.  I feel like i am floating on an ocean aimlessly, without a destination. I dont know what i should do. I am at my ends wit. Nobody understands how it is a struggle for me, to go through everyday, not knowing who you are, or who youre gonna be. I am that girl lost in an ocean, and one day, i hope i’ll find a reason to be the person i wish to be.