Life has been awesome so far as I can remember. So far, i have everything i need although not everything i desire. But that is being human, always wanting more  and more but never really take a moment to appreciate your blessings.

I am flawed, and i am aware that is part of nature of being human. So what differentiates us all? To me, it is our willingness to change for the good. Nobody is perfect. It is already written. Humans are meant to have weaknesses. I always describe myself, as the bad girl who’s trying her best to do good. I know i have so many weaknesses, and it upsets me for not being good enough. Not being good enough for myself, for Allah, for my parents, for my family and friends, for my sons, formy  husband. Sometimes, i just feel so demotivated by my own mistakes. Sometimes, things just happen. I have tried. I have tried so hard to be good and not make mistakes. I tried very hard not to break hearts of the ones i love. At times , when we based our judgement on our emotions only, things can get messy. And I slip from the track i religiously follow. I frustrate myself this time. What people dont know is that when i hurt others, i hurt myself the most. Why? Because that is not how i want things to flow. I hate to hurt other people’s feeling. It makes me feel bad. Is there something wrong with me? I hope not. 

For the past month, i promise myself to reconcile and reconnect with people who i lost touch with. It is not typical of me. It is the things i have never done before, i dare say. By nature, i am this shy girl, who wont strike a conversation unless someone else does. Who couldnt care less about other people’s important moments in their lives, or to cherish a relationship that is almost non existent. I try to understand ukhuwah fillah. This phrase that i have never really understood before. They keep saying , oh manisnya ukhuwah fillah! I never got it. Honestly. Until just recently. It just hit me. Out of a sudden i feel so motivated to do something i have never done before. To try and love others because of Allah. I promise myself i am gonna try as hard as i could. I remind myself, that along the way things may not be as smooth as you want it to be, but as long as i try, that is more than enough. And i know along this journey of trying to be a better migha , there will be moments where i am gonna fall down and cry and feel helpless, but i will get up and keep on trying. 

And today, is one of the moments, where i fall down and cry and feel helpless. Maybe this moment exist so that i can turn to my Creator,for me to do muhasabah diri once again. 

To whom i have hurt , i am sorry. I am not  perfect. I’ll try harder next time

Always not good enough for you

Well to be honest, i dont really watch the olympics 2016, but that doesnt mean i dont know what the gold or silver our country achieved. I am not into sports so i just get myself updated by reading the headlines. 

What disappoint me most is actually the headlines our reporters put front page.

It is discouraging for us malaysians and whatmore for the athletes? 

“Sekadar meraih pingat perak”
Huh??SEKADAR? I mean hello, this is the olympics!the best of the best competes and it is not often that malaysia even get a medal!! 

Asians being asians. The always-not-good-enough trait. 

Why not put it in a more positive statement!

It pisses me off. Ya, although i’m not the one who is competing , i know i can get rather emotional about this one. 

I know this is very random but it reminds me of the day when i get my SPM results. 

You know what i did after i got my results?? I cried!! Yes i freakin cried not out of joy but out of sadness and disappointment. 

And i got 8A1s and 2A2s for my SPM. 

And its not freakin good enough for my father to even congratulate me.

I cried because i didnt achieve my target. Yes. And it was made worse when i disappoint my father. To him , 8A1s was not good enough. In fact, i always thought that i was not good enough for him no matter what i achieve. And do you know how much pain and hurt i was put into???! Well actually i was quite lucky. Ika faced even worse and i’m not going to even talk about it.

If he was a reporter i would imagine the headlines be somewhat similar to that of kosmos or berita harian about the olympics.

‘SEKADAR 8A1’

Okay i am not going to vent further because it will put me in an uncontrollable emotional state.

I know he wants the best for me, and maybe that is just his nature. I cant choose my family and i have to accept him for what he is. 

But to fateh and salman, i dont want you to face the agony that mama faced.

Whatever it is, as long as you try your best, and when i say that it means you have worked and sweat it all out, THAT IS ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH FOR MAMA.

Remember that okay!!

And maybe the way i was raised partly attributed to my low self-esteem. I am not blaming anyone here, because after puberty hits me, i am in full control of my choices and decisions and my self esteem. 

But i still struggle. I struggle to be confident in my decisions. I still have that fear of being more open because i subconsciously think i am not good enough.

Despite all that, i will try my best to improve myself. And that’s a promise.

This past few days i’m suffering from an emotional breakdown, going through a rollercoaster ride.one minute i feel like crying, then i feel like i want to scream, and punch my husband like a punchbag, i become so easily pissed, i can’t be happy go lucky as much as i want to, i feel like my mind is in a big mess and i dont like this feeling at all. I find fault in everyone and the aftermath is i want to cry even more because i feel like i’m a terrible person . I don’t know what is happening to me. I know i shouldnt blame the hormones per se for this as i have the power to control it. But it’s not easy as it can get out of hand in a second and i’ll go into a fit. What is this monster inside of me? And the worst part is that nobody understands you but i know i shouldnt set any expectation, because as i ‘ve said before, we should try to understand others more than we desire for them to understand us. Is that right? Uhhh 

I think one of the best method to let this period pass without causing havoc is keep silent and lock away all those inappropriate emotion in a bottle. And close the lid tightly. When the urge to vent in an aggresive way starts to settle down, open the lid of the bottle of emotion, slowly with caution, and let it go gracefully, while embracing that this is all part of nature of being a woman and only I have the power to overcome this mishap.

The pee

Suddenly i had this flashback of an embarassing scene back to when i was 8 years old, in a piano class. I was doing the theory book, and i had this urge to pee. I sat at the corner of the room, right next to a window panel, facing the back of our music teacher who was teaching one of her students. I was so shy to ask for permission to go to the toilet, and it happened. I peed in my pants. I still remember clearly how my classmates laughed at me, but i felt nothing but just smile. If i was 10 years older, that would have been really odd. I just smiled and felt as if nothing happened. My mates have probably tell their families this embarassing story. Uhhhh .

Having this flashback just reminds me how awfully shy i was. Like seriously. So at least i progressed somewhat in life, seeing how terrible i was back then. HAHA. Oh well, just a throwback

Work work work

My 3 months maternity is coming to an end. I admit, it makes my heart beat faster just thinking about starting work again  , facing the repeated cycle of : waking up early. ->drive 23km to work -> do my work -> the stress comes in -> go back home and face THE JAM -> exhausted at the end of the day.

I wish i could love my work. I mean really, like real love that i could say ” ooooh, i miss my patients!! I can’t wait to start working, ooooh!!!” 

That would be more ideal.

But that’s just not me. I guess i am more of a housewife than i am as a doctor. Bahaha. 

Does that make me less worthy? 

I don’t know.

For all i know right now, i am still in the process of searching what i really love – the head-over-heels kind of love. Yeah. 

I wish i can make more money. I am not rich, obviously, not that i am materialistic or that i would exchange the blessings i have for more money, but in this materialistic world, we need more money to survive. But as they say, don’t worry about the money, just do what you love and the money will come next.
Maybe one day, when i finally find what i really love, and when i am wealthy, i will remember back this post and be proud of it. I want to be of use. I want to use money and help others. No, i am not trying to be angelic here, but if i have the chance, i want to help as much as i could.  Maybe become an invisible philanthropist and make a difference in this world. InsyaAllah.
And that dear, is a dream i long to achieve.

Labour story, the second part II (final)

At night we headed to swiss inn as we received a free dinner, but as they say nothing is really free in life,because we were forced to listen about swiss vacation club and convinced us to join. I was almost trapped into it, luckily hubby didnt fully buy what they say. Anyway, i had a strong contraction and that made me smile. But it was only once. So… Meh.
The next day i dressed up early, brought my luggage bag (just in cAse i go into labour that day) , brought along my mother too. As usual ,straight to labour room, but this time the doctor was here to do VE on me. She said it was ‘inducable’. She seemed confident that its gonna be okay , so without further ado, i swallowed THE PILL. And thats it. I was super nervous, i walked around in the labour room in nothing but a hospital attire, reciting zikir non stop. I was hungry too as i didnt take my breakfast and asked the nurse a few times when will they serve food. Hahah. According to the nurse my cercix was still way up, os was still about 2cm? I tried to chill and said to myself, it may take some time before it progressed. By 1230pm it was still not that dilated..around 4cm if i have not mistaken. I was still able to tolerate the contraction pain, and as expected the pain escalated gradually. When the nurses who were in charge of me noticed my growing contraction pain, she offered me painkillers. I was hesitant at first cause i thought i wanted to save the painkillers when it was totally intolerable. However they succeeded at convincing me to take one as they said it would help to hasten the process.once i took the jab, i wasnt allowed to go anywhere , as they were afraid i might fall due to the drowsiness this drug could cause. So i had to even pee on bed (with a backpan DUH). By 330pm , around that time around, another VE was done,and to my disappointment i wasnt progressing. I started to worry, especially because i know that if my labour didnt progress well i might end up with caesarian section,the thing i feared most. As usual, hubby calmed me down and tried to convince me that everything will be okay as we have Allah to depend on. He sat beside me and started to recite surah YASSIN.I, on the other hand ,tried to recite zikir as quick and as much as I could, with hopes that Allah would hear our prayers and ease what follows next. And of course He did. With Allah’s will, a half hour later, my amniotic membranes ruptured spontaneously. From that moment onwards, everything progressed pretty fast . The growing contraction pain became more and more intolerable and unbearable. I needed Entonox every few minutes, and the intervals shortened as my labour progressed further. I tried not to scream or shout because that was unlikely of me. But i cant help it . I swear this was the most painful thing i have ever felt in my whole entire life. I started to push once my os was fully dilated. As if it was all well planned, my obs came at the right time. I pushed as hard as i could everytime the wave of contraction came. I was half drowsy due to the Entonox but when it was time to push, i immediately became alert. When you are in so much pain( plus drowsy) , you cant think in your right mind, that is why, i think that having your husband beside you to be your motivator and remind you to recite zikir is very important. I think i screamt and struggled a few times . Ooppps!
I thank Allah that hubby was there beside me all along.  I cant remember exactly how long i have pushed but what i clearly remember is that final push, when i had to get the baby’s head out of me was one of the most relieving thing in the world. And that was it. Che Salman El-Farisi was born into this world. When they put him on my tummy , he made me smiled immediately. I’m like ‘oooh! He looks like Fateh! ‘ i think i almost laughed because i was expecting him to look more like his dad though. He has the signature slit eyes, the chinese look like his big brother had when he was little. I am very blessed. alhamdulillah for everything Allah. 

Allahuakbar!

Labour story ,the second part 1

To be honest , i was kinda desperate to make this second baby get out faster. Maybe because i was already tired of being pregnant, maybe because i want my postpartum hols to be longer, maybe because i feel like my mother wants to go back to Miri faster, maybe because i want to deliver as soon as possible so that i can go back for Raya in Kuching. So there are a lot of maybe(s) . And maybe it is all the reason of the above.haha.

I didnt really follow a proper appointment. Some days i had it in a goverment clinic, at the same time i do appointments at a few private hospitals, scouting for the best place to deliver. In the end , we ended up choosing island hospital as it had good reviews from our colleagues.

So as mentioned before i did not deliver at 37 weeks as i had with Fateh. The dilemma was that when the obs whom i wanted to be conducted by will leave for her vacation before i was due. So we were left with 2 choices, whether to let my pregnancy proceed naturally or to be induced if i wanted my labour to be conducted my obstetrician. My husband and i were clueless of which option to pick. Emm NO , to be more accurate I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS CLUELESS. Because making one decision could impact a lot, especially on me and our baby. We did our solat Istikharah, and somehow, we felt like it is better to get induced. My baby was pretty big at 37, i was also thinking that i dont wanna end up with caesarean section. Either way, both options still could lead to that. It was one of the most difficult decision to make. At least for me. My husband seems to be more cool about it(yea since i’m the one with the uterus with a baby inside, HELLO.haha) My obs did mention that if we made the decision to be induced, that we need to call her up. Unfortunately, that saturday,which was on the 12th of June, her clinic was already closed since i called up late.( i was procrastinating because i still doubt our decision) but we were told to come the next day to the ED. so on the next morning, which was pretty late , we headed to the ED. And i was sent straight to the labour room. My obs was not available, so the nurses was the one who checked me and put on the CTG. I had some irregular contraction already, but it was weak that i didnt even noticed. My bishop score was still unfavourable. The nurse called up the doctor and i had a few words with her. She asked me ” what’s my plan???” I told her i wanted to be induced but i dont feel that it has to be today as my bishop score was still unfavourable. So she suggested for me to come tomorrow. So yes, we got out of the hospital feeling rather… Disappointed, maybe that was only me. Hubby seems to be fine with it. He wanted to bring me go jalan-jalan, with hopes that it would make my bishop favorable??hahah. We went to Gurney plaza, and did a few rounds of window shopping and bought a few stuff for our Fateh and the new baby. It was Ramadan at that time but i wasnt fasting, so after that we headed back home.
To be continued

Seasons change

I’m back to writing my diary. Yes i still have a diary, i know it is a bit conventional, but it is nothing like the latest trend of journals where people decorate prettily.it is just a simple diary, no decorations , just my writings in black ink. I know i was obsessed with journals before but as expected it was very short lived, plus, i was too busy to actually decorate it. So i’ll just stick to this one. I figure that being the person whom lacks sharing or expressing her feelings in real life,it is one of my life’s essential to have one. It helps especially if i feel like i need to clear my mind. My first diary was when i was around 12, that was more like a planner but later i still had one book per year where i will casually write my thoughts and at the same time it works as a planner too. I wanted to write about my labour story for my second baby, i typed a long one, however, i erased it by accident. How frustrating!! Anyway, the reason i am typing right now is because i have this  mixed feeling about who i am right now , i think about the people who used to be close to me, but now i feel like i am getting farther from them, physically and emotionally, and people who i dont expect to be close to me are getting closer to me. Yes, things changed, people change. It makes me sad that some things are not the way they used to be. The same thing goes to relationship with the people whom i used to be surrounded with. It breaks my heart when i think about it. I dont know where it went wrong, maybe i wasnt working hard enough to maintain a close knit relationship, and in some, maybe because i was too fedup being the only one trying to keep things the way it used to be. But as much as i am hurt by those people, this time around, i try to be positive, be the first to make the move, and dont expect too much from others. I want to build a meaningful relationship with people, make true friends, that will last till Jannah. I know i sound like i am pious since i have mentioned it that way, but i am sincere. I hope i am doing this for good. Not because i longed to be liked or favoured, but out of love for other people, and perhaps to love people because of Allah. I have never really understood when people say that, but i try to. 

I am just a plain jane girl, if i was a girl in a chic flick movie, i’d probably be the lonely girl who has a few nerdy friends Or the one who gets bullied by a group of famous hot people. Hahaha. 

Yep, that is me. Sometimes i wish i was different, or more of an extrovert, but some people just dont get it, its not as simple as that to change who you are, no matter how much you want to. Right now, all i can do is just try.

And then i met my husband, it’s like a hot guy falling in love with a nerdy girl, because my husband is totally different from me. He has a lot of friends, he is likeable and funny, in short, he is the opposite of me. That’s why he completes me.

Despite the fact that i am near to my 30s , i still feel a bit lost, i feel like i still haven’t ‘found’ myself, i feel like this journey of searching myself is endless, and yes, i am jealous of people who know themselves well, confident and full of life. Maybe one day that day will come, or maybe i will die before it happens. Whatever the situation is, the most important thing of all is to work for it, and even if i dont meet my own expectations , that will be totally fine because I HAVE TRIED. And that matters, most of all.

I know i am ranting about things that most probably only i could understand. My husband wont, because he doesnt read my blog anymore and he doesnt read between the lines, he is quite a straightforward man, not that it bothers me because i should love him the way he is.

To end this post, i only have one thing to remind myself : NEVER GIVE UP

Longest hiatus

The longest hiatus ever maybe? Hello, i’m now a mother of two.alhamdulillah. I know i dont blog as much as i used to,and its the 2nd baby syndrome too,i’m sorry Salman but i love you as much as i love abang long, its just that, you know i am busy and what not!

Okay, where should i start off? Maybe a summary of the whole 2nd pregnancy. More nausea in the beginning,less back pain and bloatedness,better sleep, perhaps more emotional breakdown,to sum it up everything is fine Alhamdulillah. Missed a few appointments..(oops) but in the end it turns out good. 

I applied for a one week leave when i was at 37 weeks,wishful of having to deliver by 37weeks, but NO. One week passed by but nothing happened.no contraction or whatsoever. Doing extra housework had no effect AT ALL. By this time, we were maid-less, our previous maid ‘ran’ away. I hate to explain why so lets skip that part. We were maidless for at least 2 months? It was devastating. Haha,i know i sound like i depend on maids but i was pregnant and i had to travel to work daily and cross the penang bridge daily and if that’s not exhausting enough, i have to clean the house too.i’m a bit particular when it comes to cleanliness, but not OCD-ish enough, a bit toned down in comparison to my mom’s and grandma’s. As much as i want to mop the house daily, i was not fully capable of doing so out of lack of energy. And my energy level was like going down the hill especially towards the end of my third trimester. 

Luckily enough mother came a few days before my one week leave, help me clean  the house, and of course there were a lot that is lacking , i mean yes i know it’s a ‘mother’ thingy , my house was too small, it was lacking this and that, okay mama i got it, we’re just 2 young doctors who havent got much time or even money to make our house as coZy as we wanted too. Anyway that doesnt mean i wont, its just that i prefer to have our own home (complete home,decorated and cozy) before making it complete,in her sense, and mine too. I wonder when will that happen, maybe 10 years from now?

Ok,so as the story goes, when we were maidless, we just lived by the day, hubby helped a lot at cleaning the house although its not exactly up to my standards(i usually give him grades), but that doesnt mean i am not thankful, of course i Am! He cooks, he mops, he sweeps, he bathes our son, and more. Now thats a real gentleman. I’m sorry for having bouts of emotional breakdown througout my pregnancy and i’m  glad we made it through. I know i dont post about your ‘greatness’ as a husband in the social media but you know i really appreciate what you’ve done for me, for fateh, and for US.

After my one week leave, i actually continued working for a few days only before continuing my leave at 38 weeks. People would say why wont you take tour leave straight?? I’m not a workaholic but i just want to avoid people from saying that i take too much hols. I know i shouldt listen to anybody but me. Haaaah.

I’ll continue later maybe,insya Allah. Stay tuned. 

Hello psy (throwback)

The day i registered at my new workplace is the most nervous days of all the days i have worked. 

My dear sweet hubby took a one day leave to accompany me during my first day. I felt like a little girl attending her first day of school.i felt so insecured,i felt so scared,i felt intimidated and etcetra. 
All the what-ifs running through my mind.
What if i am placed elsewhere besides psy?
What if i am not good enough?
What if i fail to impress my bosses?
What if people placed high expectations on me?
What if i cant perform??
Honestly,reminscing that day made me hate myself for putting so much pressure on myself.
Well,like they say , being optimistic takes real hard work.
We had to wait all day long before knowing the departments we’d be placed in. 
Each and one of us had to meet the timbalan pengarah personally prior to knowing the results. So imagine how nerve wrecking it was.i cant even smile. 
Prior to that i even called my boss in psy before.and i called my future boss in psy in penang. How brave was i?haha. 
Finally the results were out.and i got it.

I GOT IT. Alhamdulillah. How unbelievable that moment was.it felt so surreal. Me and my friend hugged each other. We were so happy for each other. 
But the moment of happiness doesnt last long,if you know what i mean.
Thanks to Ifa and her mother too for their efforts,my boss dr ariff and me new boss for making this happen. 
Thanks to all my friends and family and hubby for the endless support and prayers

Now,it’s time for hard work.