The aftermath

It has been a few weeks since the ‘incident’ happened. It broke my heart, it affected my life, and i believe no single person knows how it feels like , unless you are me a 100%,facing what i have had to deal with. I have learnt one thing and that is not to trust anybody, even to express your sadness or anger, you need to choose wisely, because we dont know to what extent that they can actually accept your response. 

I dont think i would like to be open about it after what happened. Maybe some would think that you are just one weak human, that you are not resistant enough to be dealing with such stress/pressure. That is why i have resorted to be quiet. Like i was all this while. It suits me the best because i dont want to deal with other people’s misconception. Say what you want. I know myself better than anyone else. As if this situation is not stressful enough. i dont need other people to add on the burden.but i am grateful that there are a few people who actually wanted to help me and understood me and i appreciate that. 

Like there was one time when i had a really bad day that i didnt pray or pump my milk and didnt even have proper lunch, a colleague just said “pergi la buat lepas tu” as if its not a big deal. Yes maybe its not and i should not have expected a person who is single, a woman who has never experienced engorged breast because its filled with milk and a person who is not the same religion as me to understand what i truly feel. 

I learn that i need to be more careful. I need to be more selecetive in choosing who to reveal my feelings/problems because face it, it hurts when people underrate what youre going through, especially when youre facing something difficult. And as much as i know i shouldnt expect people to understand you completely it still hurt when they respond way differently from what you expect. Next time: dont set any expectation. Understand others instead of expecting others to do the same to you. 
I feel less anxious now although that feeling occasionally sets in especially when youre confronted with something big.

Despite how terrible the aftermath of that incident is,i believe there is a good reason why Allah tested me with such misfortune. Maybe i can’t really appreciate the reason behind it now, but i start to see that there might be something positive coming out of it. 

For example, i am trying to ignore the thought that i feel like my boss is seeing me as inadequate, from the way she talked to me or the she responded when i presented, the way she pinpoint my mistakes and how she views it. I try to challenge my negative thoughts and me more optimistic. And to be honest, i appreciate my life more now. I am more happy now than i was before that incident because i try to see good and beauty in the little things, and i try to not exaggerate when i am dealing with small problems. Whatever it is, Alhamdulillah for this lesson ya Allah. I cannot guarantee that i will be stronger in the future but i will always try. Sometimes your good is not good enough, but not giving up is more than good enough. 

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